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The Northern burbs are all a buzz about what has been happening on the playgrounds of a local junior high! Is it bullying? Drugs or mean texting? Nope, it’s blow jobs. Normally DAD likes to call it Oral Therapy, but when eighth grade girls are going down on eighth grade boys, it’s not Oral Therapy, it’s just wrong.
WIFE told me about what was happening, because she heard it from the lady who knows a girl who got caught smoking a pole on school grounds. Scandal! Then WIFE said the words that sent an icy cold shiver down my spine, “we have to talk to the eighth grader about this.”
Wha’? We already had the sex talk, the drug talk, the drinking talk, the period talk, now we were going to have to have the oral sex talk as well? I didn’t know what oral sex was until I was much older than eighth grade and even when I found out, I had a hard time believing that a girl would ever do “that” to me out of my pee hole!
I understand that oral sex happens at this age, I am not naive. I have heard about “rainbow parties” and spoke to a social worker that told me plenty of parents get “the talk” about oral sex as early as sixth grade, but in the playground…at recess? Where the heck are the teachers?
I think it’s safe to say that there is no amount of tequila in the world that would get WIFE to do that in a playground, park or nature trail with a bunch of other people around, yet these eighth grade girls are sucking their way to a reputation after lunch and before math.
WIFE said she would take the controls in this conversation. As luck would have it – thanks to the polar vortex – the eighth grader and I were stuck in traffic for two hours and ran out of things to talk about, so DAD went for it.
DAD- Honey, do you know what oral sex is?
KID- Yes, gross why are you bringing this up?!
DAD- I calmly told her the story. (In my head I was already having a party, she is grossed out by it! Keep it that way for another 15 years or so and we are golden.)
KID- DAD that is so not me, or my friends. It’s gross. Ew, no way. Quit talking about it.
DAD- (In my head- Yes!!! Another “gross and an ew!) I wanted to make sure we talked about this. Wait, how exactly do you know about oral sex?
KID- Health, they talked about it there.
DAD-(In my head- They teach oral sex in health?! What the fu*k kind of school is this? What’s next, the best vibrator, how to find your “G” spot?) Cool, um, good. If you ever have any questions….
KID- (wanting to end the conversation) DAD, I know you are always there for me, I will never have questions about “that!”
DAD- (Feeling like I had to say something parent-like)- You know if you are in love and trust the person you are with, it can be a beautiful thing. Your mom and I…..
KID- Gross!!!! DAD stop, please, I will jump out of the car if you don’t stop!
The conversation was over. I get it, quick think about your mom going down on your dad!! Ahhhh, gross! She did a good job of listening and conversing.
What I really wanted to say, is “Don’t do it! Any guy who is asking you to shove his dong in your mouth, the mouth I used to feed though a bottle should be shot in the junk! Boys are sex-craved monsters and if a boy asks you to go down there, you at least make sure he gets the job done first and does it well!”
However in an effort to keep my daughter out of therapy, we changed the conversation. It’s the great discrepancy of parenting. You want them to grow, happy, in love and enjoy all of the amazing things that they can, however, the reality of it staring you straight in the face, can be a little bit too much to swallow (see what I did there).
Was it a hard conversation, yes. Am I glad that we had it, for sure. Is it awful that girls are giving out hummers on the playground, hells to the yes. I thought about watering down the conversation, but not being direct and honest is what leads to a blumpkin on the bleachers!
I don’t mean to get preachy here, but parenting isn’t about the easy conversations, maybe, just maybe if parents didn’t worry so much about embarrassing their kids or being embarrassed in front of their kids, the eighth grade slurp fest of 2014 would come to an end or at least not happen as much.
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