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The douchey dad down the street didn’t start out douchey. I don’t think anyone is born a douche, they rise into douche-dom, through their douchey douche-ness deeds.
When I met the douchey dad down the street, he seemed like a good guy, but then the douche-ness started to creep up, sort of like herpes sore on your lip. At first you think, “hmmm what’s that little bump on his lip, is it a zit or is it a……” BAM! Before you know it douche-ness is everywhere, spreading like wild fire and you are sucked up in the douche hurricane.
The douchey dad down the street, is one of those guys who says things like “ I have to tell you.” Normally when someone says “I have to tell you,” then don’t in fact “have to tell you.” They can choose not to tell you anything, but they are dying to tell you what they think and by saying “I have to tell you,” it’s their excuse for being a douche. Kind of like saying “no disrespect” before you totally disrespect someone, but in douche talk.
The douchey dad down the street and I were driving to get food for our families in our minivan when the douche-ness started to creep out. He looked at me and asked “How do you like driving a minivan?” As if I had been sentenced to drive a minivan, and now he was interested in getting the inside scoop on the horror of driving a minivan.
“It’s great.” Was my answer.
To which the douche dad down the street replied, “I have to tell you…I could never drive one of these things.”
The “thing” he was talking about is a umpteen-thousand dollar Chrysler Town and Country, painstakingly researched and equipped with the best safety features available, a kick ass entertainment center and a butt warmer all for my families safety and comfort! To the douche dad down the street it’s a “thing.”
He continued. “ I mean it’s fine, but I am a rag top man. Always have been, it’s who I am . I had a blah, then a blah blah and now even with the kids, I still have my Jeep Wrangler Unlimited, it defines me.”
There it was a declarative douche statement. The douchey dad down the street defines himself by what he drives and defined the people around him by their cars. Douche!
He felt it was OK to completely disrespect a life decision I made for myself and for my family It’s a cheap shot, sort of like making fun of Ohio State fans, it’s easy, cheap and low rent.
I will be the first to admit, a minivan isn’t in my top ten choices of transportation. If I didn’t have a family I wouldn’t be driving one. However when you have 180 kids, a dog, 185 bikes, a stroller, surfboard and all the crap-tastic stuff that goes along with all of that, the minivan is an amazing choice. That or a school bus like the Partridge Family drove.
The minivan has room for all of our stuff our kids, their stuff, it can haul whatever project I have cooked up, it has comfortable seats, TV screens and most important to me, God forbid if it rolls over, it’s much safer than a douchey Jeep with the top down.
I love my minivan. I’ll say it, I. Love. My. Minivan! At one time I tried to sell a Minivan Make Over show to Discovery Channel. Picture Pimp My Ride for Minivans! Press a button and ice cream comes out, hit a switch and a changing table slides out from under the seat! It didn’t have enough lobster catching or some crap like that.
Son #2 has a gay godfather; I keep trying to convince him to get a minivan. It’s the perfect gay-mobile. Plenty of room for your gay softball team (he’s on one they won the gay softball championships. That was a good celebration), great sound system to play Macklemore, tons of storage for “tools” etc., the entertainment system can play two “movies” at the same time, the seats fold down and disappear, the windows are tinted, so you know, “stuff”
The point is, I don’t “define” myself or other people by what they drive, how they dress, where they live or what they do or don’t do for a living. Judging people like that is how pediatric douchey-ness is started, they catch it from their parents and before you know it a douche is born.
What defines me has nothing to do with money or what gets me to Costco and back. Will I drive a cool sports car someday? Depends on if my wife “steps it up at work.” Who knows, who cares, I wake up every morning and say a silent that “I am a better man today, than I was yesterday, to my kids, my wife and the people around me.” That’s what defines me, the impact I make on my family and this world. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but I always do my best as I drive my minivan to playdates.
Say it with my my bucket seat brothers and sisters, I drive a minivan and I am proud!
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