Why I don’t want to be young again!

I was having a conversation with the little voice in my head who I like to call Kanye, I call him Kanye, because he is very loud and generally makes no sense.  Anyway, Kanye and I  were discussing the fascination that people have with being younger.  Kanye brought up the point that he hears plenty of people “wishing they could be younger again.”  Which sparked an interesting conversation between the two of us.

Would you actually want to go back and be “young again?”  Despite the white pubes, larger pants size and flatulence, I contest that the last thing I would ever want to be “was younger, again.”  Kanye agreed, so we decided to put together this list of 10 reasons I don’t want to be young again.

1.     Inability to rent a car easily.  At my age not only can I rent a car, I am able to go into just about any kind of dealership and test drive whatever the heck I want.  A little grey hair and a sport coat give the err of maturation and wealth.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

2.     Pubes. Or lack of pubes to be exact.  Seems like everyone under the age of 30 is shaving everything off! With the odd exception of the young men who feel it’s stylish to have a mangy, scraggly beard that would make the Amish yell “clear that sh^t up.”  Looks like a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about the man-scape and the ladies providing a “clean work surface,” but these kids today are so shaved down they look like Amish mannequins. I have more hair in my ears than many of them have on their entire bodies.

3.     Roommates- Loved the guys I lived with, never want to do it again.  I don’t like hairy soap, I don’t like other people’s pee stains on my toilet (with the exception of the kids), I don’t like having to wear a robe, because Reedo’s girlfriend is offended by my boxers.  The roommate thing is for the young. Yes, I have a life long roommate, but she puts up with me and that makes her perfect.

4.     Erections– When I was younger “my soldier” was ready for battle at a moments notice.  The wind blew and Boom, he was ready to blow back.  Seems like a great problem to have, however, he was always ready: pretty girl smiled at me at the beach, Shazam!  Bus ride was too bouncy, Klabammo! Bouncing my legs together in a meeting, Wham!  Can’t get up to present.

5.     Hope.  This generation is filled with hope.  Thanks to social media, you have the ability to reach people and communicate in new and exciting ways.  The internet has changed the world and continues to give the younger generation an outlet to exact change and do good.  Way too much for an old guy like me.  When I was younger, there was no hope.  You got in line, did your job and eventually you got to do another job and another and another.  Easy. Hope throws chaos into that entire scenario.  

6.     Skinny Jeans or Jeggins or whatever those things are called.  Boys were them too, and now all you see is butt crack or the weird “jump, wiggle, dance move” thing they do as they try to pull them back up past the line where their pubes used to be.

7.     Sexting- I don’t think I would be good at this.  You would have to ask the WIFE, but I am pretty sure, I make the same noises and faces when I am having sex, pooping and lifting weights, not pretty.  Having to do this on camera.  No way.

8.     Craft Beer- I like beer. Beer to me is Budweiser, Corona, Guinness and Sam Adams.  Not a pumpkin infused IPA infused with hickory smoke and bacon.  I went beer shopping with two younger guys and it felt like we were at MOMA discussing the latest exhibit!  All of  the thought and conversations and then having to take a picture of it, post it on Instagram, too much work to get my suds on.

9.     Weddings!  When I was younger, at a certain point I was at about two weddings per month.  Heaven forbid they asked me to be in the wedding, that meant spending money on bachelor parties, tuxedos, travel, blah!  One friend had a Medieval themed wedding! I had to wear tights, a cod piece and carry a sword! I can honestly say I must have spent a bazillion dollars on other people’s weddings!  When you are older, if a friend does get married, it’s usually their second or third, laid back events, with a cool minister and good wine.  

10. People expect more of you when you are younger. You get hurt, you’re supposed to bounce back quicker.  You get drunk, you’re supposed to be able to handle your booze. At work, you’re supposed to work harder to get ahead.  When you are older, you can be a broken, hung over, sloth and people chalk it up to having character.