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My son came into our bedroom last week completely naked and with a full on erection.
“Dad, what’s happening to my penis?” He asked with a worried look on his face.
There I was standing face to face with a real parenting moment, it was pivotal that the answer I gave him was good, positive and strong. Chances are this answer would stay with him for the rest of his life.
“ It’s a boner son.”
“Why do they call it a boner?” he asked, looking at his Stiffy puzzled.
“ Well pal, sometimes your penis gets hard like a bone, so guys call it a boner.”
He pondered the answer looking down at his Woody and asked “will it go away?”
“They always do pal, they always do.”
I was proud of the way I handled the boner conversation and told my wife all about it later that night in bed. Much to my surprise, she was upset with what I thought was “A+” parenting!
“ You told him what!” She screeched in a wifey tone. “Why would you tell him to call it boner, it’s an erection!”
I tried to explain to her that no guy uses the word erection. The only time that word is whipped out is around a doctor “I am having trouble getting an erection.” Or around women, though I couldn’t come up with a time when you would use it then either…” you are so beautiful you are giving me an erection…” Not likely.
Guys don’t use “boner” around women, but it is our go to word, when we are around other guys, talking about, our Woodrow.
She would not relent, “you have to come up with a better colloquialism! How about Woody?” She screeched.
I tried to explain that Woody is a good one, but Toy Story ruined the use of Woody for little boys. If you teach a little boy that his Thrill Drill is called a Woody, then you are increasing the odds that when he is watching Toy Story in class or with his friends, he is going to yell something about the character Woody being named after his penis! No, “Woody” is a PG13 name for a Full Salute.
Though I took the time to survey dozens of guys and the majority said they use “boner” as their everyday name for it, she and her friends still relented. It needs to be called something else!
I am sticking to my guns, if you have advice on how you teach your sons what to call his Morning Glory, let me know.
For my wife and her friends and the rest of you, here is the complete list of alternative names for a “boner.”
Throbbing member
Officer at attention
Angle on your dangle
Boner
Stiffy
Cracked a fatty
Stub chub
Woody
Hard on
Pokey
Pitch a tent
Woodrow
Meat wrench
Thrill drill
Vlad the Impaler
One hole friction whistle
One hit wonder
Hellraiser
Vagina miner
Bone daddy
Morning glory
Throbbing gristle
Pocket rocket
Custard launcher
Full salute
Purple-headed yogurt-slinger
Wang
Baby batter blaster
One-eyed trouser snake
Love pump
Blue veined junket pump
Salami/sausage/pepperoni
Snow cannon
Lap rocket
Raging salmon
Goop shooter
Fun gun
Mammoth Mountain
Bone-a-phone
Pan handle
Blue steel
Cushion pusher
Skroink master
Pork sword
Moby Dick
Happy Gilmore
Rodney
Longy
Goo geyser
One-eyed muscle
Boney Baloney
Homo Erectus
Cock-a-saurus Rex
Chicksicle
Dr. Feelgood
The Early Riser
Easy Rider
Elmer the Glue Shooter
The Impregnator
Jerkin gherkin
Joystick
Long Dong Silver
Love torpedo
One-eyed milkman
Pleasure piston
Prince Everhard
Shiny banana
Sergeant Stiffy
Skin flute
Stretch Johnson
Spurt Reynolds
Taco warmer
Sperminator
Super soaker
Dick sticker
Love stick
Funky Fatty
Tent Pole
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