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Before the New Year starts, people all over the place will be coming up with resolutions to make the next year “the best year.” I was hoping we could all do one together: Facebook Resolutions to make 2014 as douche-less as possible.
As WIFE puts it, I spend a good amount of time here in the cyber-friend world and came up with a list.
I am not going to point fingers and to be honest I am just as guilty as a lot of people for breaking some of these, but if we all support each other, we can do this.
Here are DAD’s New Years Resolutions for Facebook. If you have more, let’s hear them.
Here’s an annoying one, remember to click here and LIKE Dad’s Facebook page.
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- 1. No more pictures of your feet on a beach, a boat, a strip club, golf cart, any place. It’s weird, a little braggy and a great way to make the rest of us feel awful as we rock our computers trying to escape the world . No more feet.
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- 2. Only one picture of your friggin’ cat per season. A- It’s a cat. B- They are cats, C- It’s not a dog, it’s a cat. Now I know that Toonces is like your baby and you have a connection that goes beyond anything else you have with a human. Cool, good for you. However to the rest of us it’s a cat. So, if you want to dress it up like Santa, then put it in a tree, then wrap it in a bow, then kiss it under the mistletoe, pick the best one and leave the rest to your Cat Calendar you made at Kinkos.
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- 3. No pictures of scars, injuries, wounds or bullet holes- I am sorry you are hurt, I am. DAD wishes he could give it three magic kisses and make it all better. But gross, I don’t need to see your road rash, stitches or gash from running with scissors
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- 4. No pictures of you on a run- My God! If you are running, run. If you are taking pictures, take pictures, but we don’t need to see your pre. run pict. The sunset at the end of the run and then you drinking coffee after the run. Just fuc*ing run
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- 5. No more “Some E-Card,” ever! If you don’t have an original enough thought that all you do all day long is post Some E-Cards to do the talking for you. You need to get the hell off the Facebook, join a pottery making class and meet people.
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- 6. No more asking me to play Candy Crush, Farmville, Mafia Thingy or any of that crap. That is an instant “un-friend.” There isn’t enough electricity in the universe for me to take the time to explain how absolutely lame that is. Just don’t.
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- 7. No more weather updates-” Friend” Ginger Zee, it’s all she talks about! Yes, it’s snowing, we get it. Once one person does it, lets’ just all agree to look out the window and enjoy the snow after that.
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- 8. Food-I know this is a tough one, but let’s at least agree to make some ground rules. If you make a great meal and you want to share it, cool, once in a while. However, if you are out a lot and you know who you are, knock it off. Same goes for you hunters and fishermen, I don’t need to see your food in its raw form. Gross!
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- 9. Checking in- Again, if you won a trip to the Grammys and you are sitting with Justin Timberlake, check the heck in. However, if you check in and then complain every day when you get on the subway, twice a day, stop! The only thing more annoying than the people on the subway are the people who check in every time they get on. Same goes for coffee shops
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- 10. Humble bragging- “Does anyone know a good eyebrow man, I have to shoot the back page for my book? “ OMG my size 2 bikini is baggy???? What would be a customized plate for my new Porsche? Posing for a cover shoot is so scary” Instead just write “Hey look at me, look at me, look how awesome I am and how much you suck .” That is something I would actually LIKE
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- 11. Out of focus pictures- If you have the time to take them, take two, make sure at least one is in focus. If you take a picture of your cat dressed as Santa, sitting next to the dinner you made, make sure the sh*t is in focus or don’t post it.
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- 12. Long Facebook updates- Facebook is the USA Today of social media; I want to learn everything I need to know in 4 lines or less. You can do it: Jordan won his hockey tournament, my puppy died, just got my haircut it looks great, the baby took his first steps. After that it get s all goobeldy gook and you lose me. Get to it. If you are writing paragraph after paragraph, with the exception of your BFF, nobody is reading. Let’s keep it tight.
