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Our ten month old is a very determined young man. Whatever he does with his life, I am pretty sure it will have to do with moving forward against tremendous odds: a nose guard or captain of an ice breaking ship.
He is a pill baby. Yup the 1% you never really think about while you’re “having fun.” It’s a 1% chance – WTF! If someone gave me a gun and said there was a 1% chance of it going off, I would stick it in every hole I have laughing as I pulled the trigger. Boom! My little 1% bundle of joy.
Though unexpected, he is a gift and we love him. However, after he was born, we decided we hit maximum capacity in our home and I went and had “the procedure.”
How it feels is for another blog. The aftermath is what we are here to talk about today. One of the things you have to do at the four and six month point after the procedure is bring in a sample to a hospital to make sure everything worked out.
Sounds simple enough. BK-Before kids, I had all the time in the world to work up a good sample: at home, on the boat, driving on Lake Shore Drive, morning, noon, night. Need a sample? I am here to provide.
ACK-After children/kids, with three kids and a wife at work, finding the time during regular business hours to make a sample and deliver it to a hospital is next to impossible.
As Dr. Seuss would say, if he was a Dad All Day:
I can not do it in a train
I can not do it on a plane
I can not do it on a bus
I do not see what’s the fuss
I can not do it in a bar
I can not do it in a car
The doctor needs a sample they say
I don’t have the time today
My kids are always next to me
Which is why I had a vasectomy
I do not want another one
I am very, very, very done.
I do not one that’s tall.
I do not want one that’s small
I do not want another child at all!
It’s not happening!
Finding the three to seven minutes to make a sample should be easy. None of the scenarios I play out in my mind end well.
What do you tell the kids? “Put on your shoes and get ready to go on a quick trip. Before we leave watch TV while Daddy goes to the bathroom and ignore the cup full of vanilla pudding on the way out.”
Making a sample while they are napping is easy enough, but then you only have a certain window of time to get the sample to the hospital before it’s no good. Apparently sample shelf life isn’t that long. So that’s out.
A friend recommended making a sample in the parking lot of the hospital and bringing it in. What do I do with the kids in the back of the minivan? “Daddy is turning on Finding Nemo. All eyes on the screen and ignore the grunts.” Nope. I think you have to be a politician from New York to believe that scenario is a good one.
I could have a neighbor watch the kids. Again, I have to explain why I need them to watch the kids while I am at home and why they will all see me racing out of the house, with a smile on my face and a cup in my hand. TMI.
There have been a precious few moments where the sample-making scenario has been perfect. I have sneaked away for a romantic moment with my plastic cup, found my favorite web site and let my mind wander. “ That shower is so clean, I wonder if she uses Oxy Clean on the tile? Man the shower head she is holding has great pressure, I need to replace the head in the kids room….kids, ewe, gross, get back in the game! Objectify, objectify!” Game over the rocket has gone back into the hanger.
So I am stuck. I don’t have the time or mental energy to make a sample to see if in fact my vasectomy worked.
Because we are part of the 1% club, no not the rich guys, the guys who beat the odds and made a pill baby, we are sticking to the pill to be “safe” until we can get a sample into the doctor to be tested.
The baby starts school in five years, then it’s game on!
I will fill up that cup
I will fill it right up
I will fill it right up to the top
I will never ever ever stop
I will do it on my side
I will do it on my back
I will do it in the shower
I will do it for an hour
When the kids are gone
I will do it all day long
I will fill up that cup
I will fill it right up
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