Eleven New Years Resolutions I Never Plan on Keeping

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Since we are talking resolutions, I was thinking about the things I would like to do better, but know there is no way it will ever work out. So instead of putting a bunch of pressure on myself, I decided this year, I am going to list the things I know I am not going to do.  That way when I do them, I won’t feel as bad, because I already set the expectation.

Here is a list of The Resolutions I never plan on keeping:

1. Yelling at my kids: I am not “that lady” who is always yelling at her kids in public, but I do yell or more to the point use my “big boy voice.”  I have three kids and a dog, I have to be louder than the mob, as much as I would like to communicate in a more calm and soothing manner, it will never happen, so yelling stays on the docket for 2014.
2. Eating Better- As long as there is a Hershey bar with almonds on this planet, I will never, ever eat better.  I try, but I am a mid-afternoon snacker and nothing is going to change that.  Should I eat a carrot stick and kale? Probably. Will I? No. I am not a    ” yogi” from the Bay Area who retired after selling his tech company.
3. Be More Patient- If I found a bottle and a genie popped out granting me three wishes, the first two would be for my kids to be healthy and all that crap, but the third would be that I never, ever have to wait in line again.  I hate waiting in line, I hate traffic, I hate being on hold.  I try to be cool and calm, but, well, it only lasts so long.  Patience will have to wait until 2015.
4. Farting in Public- I blame this one on my five year old, farts crack him up, which in turn crack me up, meaning we do it a lot.  Are they always loud, no, for instance, at the Chicagonow holiday party, I was talking with a group of friends and I had to fart, so I announced, “excuse me I have to fart,” then I walked away, towards a group of mommy bloggers, farted in a circle around them and walked back to my conversation, clean and clear. I am not a savage I just fart in public.
5. Read More Books- I try, I really do, but when the day is finally over and I get into bed, the choices are reading or Sons of Anarchy, SOA wins every time.  I used to love to read, hell I am writing a friggin’ book, I just don’t read a lot and am not going to put the pressure on myself to keep up.  When people ask me what I am reading, I always say “the latest book by Dan Brown,” which makes them say “oooh I love him!” Then I quickly excuse myself to fart around a group of mommies.
6. Not Laugh at People In Pain– Again, this one is on my boy, though I have been doing it for decades. I am not talking about serious injuries, but a good shot to the nutties or someone slipping on the ice, always, I mean always makes me cackle!  My son is learning how to skate, he fell on his as$ with a thump and a squeal, which made me giggle as I walked over to help him up.  Other people in minor pain is funny.
7. Shower more- I have a friend (a guy) who was telling me he maps out his fashion look for the week and weekends. I am lucky when soap hits my hairy as$ four times a week, mapping out my look, never happening. I don’t look homeless or smell, I am just busy from the time I open my eyes to the time I go to bed.  Luckily a baseball cap ( the male equivalent of the pony tail) and a little Dove deodorant and I am good for a 48 hour stretch.
8. Not spend money on senseless crap– I look at ITunes as “funny money,” It’s only a dollar and I get the latest OAR, how is that bad?  Same goes for IKEA, Target and the bulk candy isle.  Should I be better at it, yes, will I? No.  I don’t spend hundreds, more like $12 and it makes me happy and I don’t do it a bunch and I love Justin Timberlake and Pitbull. Spending continues.
9. Try to focus on the things that matter- Unless I get a brain transplant, this isn’t even an option. I tell myself to not freak over things that I can’t control, but it doesn’t work.  This blog will make me bald.  Did they hit like, why didn’t they hit like, did I write douche bag too much, did I not use douche bag enough?  I write because I love to write, but also am needy as a newborn puppy, so hit fuc*ing LIKE and share this Sh*t so I can sleep better!
10. Flossing- I floss about every two weeks, okay once a month, um, I floss? It hurts, my fingers are fat and getting those back teeth is like trying to get a booger out of a babies nose, impossible.  Then when I do floss, it smells like hell and I feel bad for not flossing. While I brush a bunch and supplement that with a constant supply of Mentos (thank you Dominick’s 50% off sale) flossing will not be in the top 10.
11. Try not to think of sex as much- Ha!  I have a mental rule when I play golf, I only look for a lost ball until I think about sex, and it lasts about 18 seconds.  I lose a lot of golf balls.  Not that I am a sex addict or think about other women (especially during play dates) however, if the Athleta catalog is laying around and I glance at it, it makes the mind wander, same goes for the news, cleaning the bathtub and making the bed.  I would like to use that mental energy on something else, but it’s easy, nice and not Caillou or changing a diaper.

This is the short list of things that I don’t plan on changing in 2014, will it make me a slightly smelly, impatient, horny impulse shopper?  Most likely, but at least I will be happy and free of all that resolution guilt.

Happy New Year!

What things are you not going to change in 2014? One thing you should most definitely do is click here and like DAD’s Facebook page or my head will explode.