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Dear Gays.
Congratulations, you have fought long and hard (no pun intended) for the right to marry and let me be the zillionth person to say congratulations. There is now legal gay marriage in Illinois(cue the rainbow confetti cannon)!
However, now that the rainbow icing is off the celebratory cake, let me tell you what DAD expects from gay marriages, ‘cuz us hetros have truly dropped the ball in this department.
A long time ago, getting married in the United States became a colorful menagerie of ridiculous. As a matter of fact, us straight people try and see how ridiculous we can be in our weddings. We have wedding parties dance down the isles(you have seen straight guys dance, it’s not pretty) , dress up as Star Trek characters and jump out of things, just to make sure that everyone knows how mad cap and zany they are, because, well it’s become our definition of “fun?”
The Chicken Dance and throwing of the garter has been replaced with YouTube videos and Princess Lea wedding gowns. It’s not cool! And to be honest, I expect a lot more style and much better ideas from you boys and boys and girls and girls.
Straight weddings have become so lame, I try and skip out, so I only have to sit through the reception, where the bridesmaids in their ugly ass dresses (yes they are all ugly, I have yet to see my wife re-wear any of them or vice versa) drink a lot, while they watch the couple do their Arthur Murray choreographed first dance and then smear cake(or if they are really “original” cupcakes) all over each other while the guy who got fired from the Sun Times snaps away and cries painful tears in the coat room!
You are the new married, you have (for the most part) dual incomes and have waited years, decades, centuries to throw this bash, don’t fuc*ing let me down! These weddings should be like the Tony’s met the Grammys on the way to South Beach, but with better music, food, dancing, light show and half naked Latin men for no reason!
This is your chance (in Illinois) to be the biggest, the best and the most memorable gay wedding of the new era. This is your chance to end up on the cover of Married Gay Bride Magazine, before that other couple who goes to the gym, but never workout as much as talk about the amazing restaurant they went to and met the chef and then went back to his place for a party that they will never forget…..I am off topic. You get the idea, don’t even think about a harp and cellist, unless it’s Bond and they are all decked out in leather with a cheetah conducting!
Boys, eventually you will have children, sell your loft for more room, a garage to put toys and a yard for the kids to play. The hetros will take over Boys Town and the property value in the burbs will jump up as you look for a place with good schools and a train stop. It happens to a lot of us.
Before that happens, let your freak ass flag fly high and proud, you can get married, so let the fun begin! I personally can’t wait.
Lesbians, you are on your own. How Camo and Vans are gong to work at a wedding in Home Depot, that’s up to you.
The following post was gay approved by my friends David and Daniel. They are gay and David made the lesbian joke, so take all your cut off flannel and Vespas over to his house to kick his butt.
DAD out.
