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Declan and I were spooning in our family bed, talking about the proper way to make a soy free, vegan, tofu omelette when he looked up at me and said “daddy, I am glad we are all connected to mother Earth and her…”
Sorry, I wanted to see how long I could write like that before I threw up in my mouth. I am here to talk about P-O-O-P, poop!
As much as we talk about it as parents, apparently we have all been pooping wrong, for a very long time!
WTF, the one thing I thought I had mastered and could pass along to the next generation and I suck at that as well.
To me all I ever thought I needed to know about a good poop was a few simple things.
- Wake up
- Make Dunkin Donuts coffee
- Drink coffee
- 15 minutes later sit on the throne and enjoy a healthy, earth shattering poop.
Simple and wrong. The coffee thing is fine, but once we get to the bathroom part of the party, it all goes South according to a new study from Stanford University (the Carroll University of the West..three people will get that joke).
Anyway this study shows that squatting is the proper way to go poop and the best way. According to Henry L. Bockus, a guy who wrote a book about poop, but was all serious about it, Henry says, ““The ideal posture for defecation is the squatting position, with the thighs flexed upon the abdomen. In this way the capacity of the abdominal cavity is greatly diminished and intra-abdominal pressure increased, thus encouraging expulsion …” Can you imagine this guy at a dinner party!
He goes on to explain that the puborectalis muscle acts as a sling for your rectum (damn near killed em…sorry) and keeps things running properly up in there, keeps you continent or not pooping all over yourself.
When we sit on the toilet, the rectum is loosened, but not all the way. In the squatting position, the hold on the rectum is completely relaxed and things flow like Krystal in the VIP, smooth and easy.
As you know, you can’t believe everything you read on the inter-webs, so I decided to give it a try, the first thing I learned was getting into the squatting position is not an easy thing to do. At first, I tried to tippy toe and poop at the same time, which only lead to a calf cramp and the usual puborectalis muscle contracted half poop that I have been doing for 146 years, super satisfying, but room for improvement.
I found out there are products that you can buy online that wrap around the bowl of your toilet and act as a shelf for your feet, to help you get into the proper position, like the Squatty Potty, however, I didn’t want to wait 6-10 business days to leave a proper poop, so I improvised. The best things I came up with was putting pavers from our patio on each side of the bowl or our laundry detergent and fabric softener on either side of the bowl, shoe boxes are ok, but if you really have to push, you are going to crush them.
With these implements in place and my knees up in the proper position, I was able to get the puborectalis muscle loose and the good times rolling and rolling! It may feel a little weird at first, but man it does the trick making sure all the kids are in the pool and ready for the water ride.
It works and lets be honest, we have all been in much stranger position in our lives to complain about this one.
Pros of the squat and dump– It’s our natural position, watch your dog, they have it down and don’t even need the coffee. Until the invention of the modern toilet this is how people pooped, some countries in Europe, still poop this way, since none of them get Chicagonow, I am not mentioning them. I will mention Lululemon because they make my butt look good and that should not be discounted.
Squatting is also better for your innards. Research shows that squatting helps prevents hemorrhoids, avoids pressure on the uterus and helps prepare one for a more natural delivery and even helps in the prevention of colon cancer.
Cons– The new position makes reading, eating and playing with your Ipad difficult but not impossible. When you are in this position, things come out fast, so depending on what you ate the night before a little splash back can be expected.
Change is difficult, you may think the idea of squatting is full of crap or the whole idea stinks, however if you are concerned about the health of your colon and all that other stuff up there, then the squatty poop position may be worth a try.
The squatty poop may not happen overnight. As it stands in my house, it is a once in a while thing. Since our pavers scratched the floor and the detergent was needed elsewhere I have added it to my post coffee arsenal and recommend it to anyone who happens to ask me about pooping positions.
You think I would have a funny joke to end this, but I came up blank! However we have plenty more parenting tips, ideas and general stuff on the Dad All Day Facebook page, so please click here and remember to like this article and the Facebook page.
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Well that was just plain interesting lol. Thank you for sharing your easy-to-squat ideas.